Over the last few days I’ve been emotionally raw and sensitive. A very good way to say it is the way my friend Grace said it – my emotions are very close to the surface. I feel on the verge of tears or laughter throughout the day.
I didn’t see it coming. Then suddenly, Friday morning, I felt a maelstrom of emotion just below the surface, threatening to bubble over. It has not gone away.
It didn’t, and still doesn’t, worry or frighten me. It’s not the first time. It won’t be the last.
I try to trace the feeling back into my person. What I see is that this rawness, this sensitivity, is a response to the suffering I create for myself in my desire for the current circumstances of my life to be different. These circumstances are temporary and by this time next year, will be mostly alleviated. But for now some of the decisions I’ve made over the past 4 years have had ramifications that have come to pass. Some of them were unforeseeable, some pretty predictable.
But the stress and suffering the uncertainty creates for my home and family wears on me. The constant stream of pressure at work builds on me. I’ve taken on more responsibility in the community than I normally would in order to save a music program for children from being cancelled. I love it, but it’s all a bit too much.
I feel raw and a bit at sea. Yet there’s an immediacy and a beauty to the feeling – as if a confirmation that I really am in control of very little. Most of life is living in the present, accepting what is, doing what one can to live well and with compassion, and letting go of the insistence that life be something different than it is right now.